now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
