I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
