I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
