he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Im part way to drunk.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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