ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize