we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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