Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize