Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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