I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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