In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
