dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
