Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
