Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
