OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
