i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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