i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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