My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize