cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
