I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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