I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
