Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
