I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
