My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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