I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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