nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
