I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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