oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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