Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize