listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
