tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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