so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
