1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
