So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
