Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You had me at "let me see your balls"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
