omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
