he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
