I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
