do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
