Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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