He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
