Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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