i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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