forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
