As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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