I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
