Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
