so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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