did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
