the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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