My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
